Angel babies

I read something very interesting today.  This lady had a miscarriage and after that, she went on to have a son.  When her son was around three years old, she got pregnant with another baby.  Before she knew the sex of the baby, her son told her it was gonna he a girl and he knew her because they played together up there.  She had a girl.  When she was pregnant again, her son told her "mommy, this boy looks just like me and he has AB blood type like me.  Three of us used to play together before we came here.  I was supposed to come first, but he skipped his turn and went to your tummy.  So the old guy got mad at him and brought him back.  He waited his turn this time so he can come back now." She had a boy and low and behold, his blood type was AB like he told her.

I read another story that a boy was telling her mother that they all picked their mother when they were in the sky but they had to wait for a man to push them to be in their mother's belly and when someone skipped ahead in the line, he or she came right back to the line.

Another story was that this lady was laying down with her son right after she miscarried.  Her son said he could see a baby playing in the sky.  When she asked him if he looked happy, he said he did. He went on to talk about this baby in the sky for a while and one day, he told his mother the baby wasn't there any more and he wondered where he went.  She was pregnant.

I find it very interesting, because these stories came from kids who knew nothing about the concept of miscarriage.  The first boy didn't even know his mother had a miscarriage prior to him being born. I wan to believe there's connections to the other world.  We probably don't remember because we grew out of it.

I told Tim about these stories today.  We decided to believe that we are supposed to have more than two children and our baby skipped his turn so he had to go back. Hopefully, he learned his lesson and let his brother or sister go ahead of him next time.  Tim told me how his niece used to talk about her grandfather when she was smaller.  She was born after he had passed, so she would have not known him from this life.

I am still bleeding and this is getting old now....  I have my follow up visit next Friday.  When I asked Tim if I had to go for the appointment by myself, he said he would come with me.  I am so fortunate to have him.  He is so sweet.  I would have understood if he said he didn't want to come.  After all, there is nothing for us to see any more.  But instead, he said he would be there so he could ask questions I might forget otherwise.  Because he is like this, I want to have his babies.

New Chapter

It has been one week since my D&C, and I am still bleeding.  It's not a big deal.  I was told to expect period like bleeding for a week or two.  Somehow looking at the blood lets me know the whole ordeal is over and brings back some normality.  After all, getting period is something I am familiar with.  Speaking of, I think I am going to stop using tampons from now on.  Well, right now, nothing is allowed in my vagina so I have been using pads, but I got curious and I did a little research.  Apparently, tampons are not really made of just cotton unless you buy 100% cotton organic tampons.  They are made of all sorts of chemicals, but manufactures of tampons are not required to list the ingredients. Also, vagina is an "absorbing organ." That means my body absorbs whatever chemicals they put in these tampons just like my body absorbs pesticides on the produce or artificial hormones on the meat I eat.  If I am worried about pesticides on my produce, I probably should worry about what chemicals are in tampons as well. What if these chemicals have affected my ability to conceive and carry out a healthy pregnancy?  I think I will be using diva cup or moon cup from now on.

Through this miscarriage, something changed forever.  I don't  think getting a positive pregnancy test result will be enough to make me happy any more.  That is just the beginning....  It seems like I can never be sure.  So many things happen to people at 2nd, 3rd trimester. I mean the internet is flooded with these tragic stories.  Of course I wasn't aware that miscarriages and still births are so common until now.  I thought miscarriage happens to someone, but I sure the hell didn't think it would happen to me.  I was just optimistic.  Of course I wasn't drinking alcohols or going sky diving, but I wasn't overly sensitive about what I could and could not do. I was running a little bit even though my doctor and friends advised me against it.  I still had a cup of coffee and had my soft cheese and medium rare steak.  After all, my mother and aunts all went through healthy pregnancies, and they had coffee, even occasional sushi and we all turned  out fine was what I thought.  But now, I don't think I can ever be so optimistic any more.


Now, I am pretty sure my miscarriage was not because of something I did or didn't do.  God only knows when and if I will become pregnant again.  Regardless of when it happens, I need to be able to trust my body will do the job of nourishing and maintaining the proper environment for my baby to develop.
Yes, I was leading a pretty healthy life compared to the most other regular average American people, but it doesn't mean I had no room for improvement.  I stopped drinking coffee.  I had a headache for a day or two, but I am fine now.   I am thinking about going to see an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility.  I believe it will help me relax and work on creating a body so our baby will come back to me.

Closure

On 12/20/13, I had D&C to empty out my uterus.  My procedure was scheduled at 8 am, but we had to be there at 7 am.  Everyone at the surgery center was very nice.  I changed into a gown and was taken to my bed.  Tim was with me the whole time while nurses prepared me.  My RE came to speak to me and said my white blood levels were a little bit elevated and thought I was starting to get an infection.  I guess the dead baby would eventually start to rot just as any other protein does.  We opted to send the baby out for karyotype so the nurse took some extra blood.  By doing this procedure, we may be able to find out what went wrong with the pregnancy.  Normally, the insurance will not cover karyotype for the first miscarriage.  My doctor was sending it in with 629.81 diagnosis code (recurring miscarriage, but officially it is called  "habitual aborter" WTF. They need sensitivity training... ).  She must have counted my abortion from a long time ago, too, because when I asked, she told me she noted I had another loss prior.  I didn't remind her it was an elective abortion...   If the insurance didn't cover it, oh well.

The nurse let me kiss Tim good bye and took me to the surgery room.  She strapped me on the bed and said "need to put on a seat belt before the take off."  That made me laugh a little bit.  My RE came in and told me it was going to be ok as she was putting a mask and gloves on. The anesthesiologist was clipping stuff on my chest.  I started feeling overwhelmed and felt my tears welling up. I remember the anesthesiologist and my RE telling me to think about some nice place, like beach.  I took a big breath so the tears wouldn't be falling down on my cheek. I then thought I smelled some kind of medicine.....  I was gone.

I woke up on the bed where the nurse was prepping me earlier.  Tim was sitting next to me.  I had a tube with oxygen in my nose.  I had some cramp, but I was fine.  I was slowly coming back to the real world. My nurse noticed my blood pressure was up and asked me if I was in pain.  To be honest, I was in pain, but it was somewhat expected so I wasn't complaining.  She gave me fentanyl through IV and let me tell you, I was in heaven.  After staying in the bed for a while, I told Tim I had to go to the bathroom to empty out my bladder.  With the nurse and Tim's help, I walked to the bathroom and was able to pee.  I was also getting really hungry, which was a good sign.  The nurse removed my IV and let me change so we could go home.  

On our drive home, Tim told me I was crying when I was coming back from anesthesia.  I don't remember, but if he said I was crying, I must have been crying.   

I still feel sad, but having D&C gave us an instant relief.  It was really difficult week for both of us to be in limbo.   

I found this poem on the internet and thought it was very beautiful. When I get sad, I read it and it makes me feel a little bit better.  

What Makes A Mother 
I thought of you and closed my eyes 
And prayed to God today 
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" 
And I know I heard him say 
A Mother has a baby 
This we know is true 
But, God, can you be a mother 
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

  

Anger stage

Here comes one of the 5 stages of grieving, anger.  I have cleared the denial stage relatively quickly.  I don't think I had any room to be bargaining either.  The stages I have left are anger, depression, and acceptance.  I think I am going in between anger and depression.  I am far from acceptance.  Today, I am angry.  I am pissed  that it had to happened to us.  I am pissed at the God for giving us a few weeks of joy only to take it away.  What the hell did we do to deserve this.   It's not like I am in my twenties with endless egg supplies.  I am racing against the time with my potentially diminishing egg reserves.  

I don't feel like being all joyful and full of Christmas spirit with everyone else at work.  I don't feel like listening to the pregnant girl talk about her pregnancy while she parades around the hall way rubbing her growing belly.  Of course she had no idea I was pregnant, let alone I miscarried so I can't blame her, but it is really hard to watch her.  

I hope when my D&C is done on Friday, I feel somewhat better and be able to have some kind of closure. 

Grieving

I lay in bed pretty much all day yesterday.  Sadness comes and goes in waves.  One minute, I am fine, and another minute, I am not okay at all.  The crazy thing is that my body is producing enough progesterone, and this makes me still have the pregnancy symptoms.  I have no bleeding, no pain, no cramping.  I don't know how long it will be like this.  My fear is that natural miscarry will happen while I am at work before D&C on Friday.  I don't want it to happen when I am not with Tim.

Tim went to CVS yesterday and bought pads for me.  I have to say that is really sweet of him.  He is sad, too.  He said he didn't know it would be so hard.  We were already very attached to the baby.  Even for a very short period of time, this baby brought me so much happiness.  All the plans we made for him.  What he would have looked like.  The places we will take him.  We will never know it now...  He had heart beat.  He was a person already and I was his mother even for that short time.

I know eventually, we will all heal. But right now, it seems impossible.

Sad day

Today is a sad day.  We went in with high hope, but the ultra sound technician first said she couldn't see the heart beat and she was sorry she was trying really hard, but she needed to go get the doctor.  My doctor came in and watched the screen with her, but she confirmed she didn't see it either.  I was already crying on the bed, but for some reasons, I expected I would just lose it, but I didn't.  Tears kept on coming, but I was calm. My doctor stepped out to give us a few moment and she came back to discuss our next steps.  We were in shock, but I don't know, I wasn't crazy upset.  Maybe it hasn't hit me.  Maybe it is because I am still feeling like I am pregnant and I haven't had this dramatic miscarriage I normally picture yet.  Doctor said either I could wait for about a week to wait for natural miscarriage or go through D&C procedure to clean everything out.  While Tim and I were left in the room, we discussed what we wanted to do. At first we talked about the possibility of misdiagnosed miscarriage.  We said maybe we should go to another doctor to see if that is really accurate.   I am afraid if I am a cold person, but I told Tim that since it is dead, I want him out so we can move on.  I don't want do hold on to something and dwell on a lost cause.   I don't know, but I think it will be way too traumatic if I waited for me to miscarry.  Doctor and the nurse said we could talk about it over the weekend, but we already made our decision.  We want to cut our loss and move on.  I also don't want it to start forming scar tissue and cause more problem in the future.  I am very scared how calm I am.  I wouldn't say I am numb either.  I know exactly what I am saying and doing. I am more worried about how Tim is.  He said he would be okay as long as I would be okay.  I ended up emailing my boss what happened and I had to stay for pre op. She said I didn't need to worry about work and just take my time.  I texted my friends to let them know what happened.  I called my mother in Japan.  I felt bad that was the first news she had to hear when she woke up.  I am more worried how much she was feeling bad for me inside.  My mother is a very sweet and strong lady. She is always positive and laughs off any problems.  Well, she didn't laugh this away, but she said my uterus will be all cleaned up for the next one, and this baby chose to leave.  He knew something was wrong with him, so he left.  I know we talked about how she would come and stay with us to help with the baby and now I am sad that I don't get to have that with my mom in July like we had planned.

I am not as angry as I thought I would be either.  I am just calm.  Really, calm.

Power of PMA

I'd like to believe positive thoughts bring in positive things.  I believe that when we go in tomorrow for our ultra sound, our baby's heart will be beating faster and stronger.  I believe that tomorrow, RE doctor will tell me I no longer need to see her.

My breasts are really sore today, but other than that, I don't really feel pregnant.  I might be more sensitive to the smells than I used to, but how would I know?  I am the only one who knows what I'm smelling. It's TMI, but I do have this constant discharge.  Judging from my sore breasts and my constant flow of vaginal discharge, I believe our baby is growing.

I have been listening to "Pregnancy Meditation Hypnosis" by Anna Thompson before I go to bed every day since last Friday.  It's funny how I fall asleep (I think), but I always here her say "Wake up, wake up." when it's done.  I intend on listening to what she is saying in between, but I never get to hear it.  I am sure my subconscious is absorbing all the positiveness.

We also have told quite a few people about our pregnancy.  I have not blasted it on Facebook or anything like that, but we told our close circle of our friends.  I refuse to believe telling people during the first trimester brings a bad luck.  Actually, I would like them to know even if things go wrong.  That way, I won't have to pretend like nothing is wrong.

Tomorrow around this time, I know I will be laughing about my worries.  Tomorrow around this time, I will be worrying about some other things.  I know RE is wrong.  She is just a doom and gloom, negative Nelly.  I am providing our baby the safe environment and he is growing.

Waiting sucks

We cancelled our Costa Rica trip, but since we were off, we decided to drive to Key West.  We stopped off at Everglades to see wild gators, then we spent our first night in Key Largo.  On Tuesday afternoon, we took a snorkeling tour and headed to Key West.  The hotel was right in front of the beach and beautiful.  We had excellent food and enjoyed sun.  We also got a couple's massage. Everything was wonderful.

Today was our second ultra sound. Last Wednesday, we saw our little tiny baby who looked like a dot.  We were to see some heart beat today.  We thought nothing of it.  We even talked about how today was going to be the pre op. day if it wasn't for me getting pregnant.  Ultra sound tech put the probe in my vagina as my RE doctor walked in.  She made a comment about Tim's Ohio State hat and  told him she was also from Ohio. After they made a few small talk, she told us that what she was expecting to see was heart beat around 100 to 120 bmp at this point.  She said my baby's heart rate was only in 60s.  She said she was concerned and she wanted me to schedule another ultra sound in a week to see if it picks up its pace.  I asked her "ok. What if it wasn't any better next week?" She said "I hate to say it, but if it wasn't better, it will be more like that you end up miscarry." She said there was nothing she could tell me other than to wait and see. She also said there was nothing I could do differently to change anything.

I googled like crazy, but it was very difficult to find anything positive. I was talking about how I have no morning sickness or any pregnancy like symptoms and I thought I was fortunate. Maybe it was that I wasn't feeling it, because I won't be pregnant for much long.

I am sad and I know I shouldn't talk as if it is over, but I don't want to get attached to this baby any more than I already have. I don't know if I should be talking to the baby to fight and tough it up.  I am pissed off.  I was told not to work out so now I am getting a little fat. I had to cancel Costa Rica trip.  If I had to schedule the surgery at this point, it will be next year and I will have to work toward my high deductible all over again. Sure, I will gladly sacrifice all these things for a healthy pregnancy,but not for a half ass failed pregnancy.  God, are you fucking kidding me?  Please please let it be that our little bean is just taking his time to grow and his heart is just brand new and it will pick up next week.