Grieving

I lay in bed pretty much all day yesterday.  Sadness comes and goes in waves.  One minute, I am fine, and another minute, I am not okay at all.  The crazy thing is that my body is producing enough progesterone, and this makes me still have the pregnancy symptoms.  I have no bleeding, no pain, no cramping.  I don't know how long it will be like this.  My fear is that natural miscarry will happen while I am at work before D&C on Friday.  I don't want it to happen when I am not with Tim.

Tim went to CVS yesterday and bought pads for me.  I have to say that is really sweet of him.  He is sad, too.  He said he didn't know it would be so hard.  We were already very attached to the baby.  Even for a very short period of time, this baby brought me so much happiness.  All the plans we made for him.  What he would have looked like.  The places we will take him.  We will never know it now...  He had heart beat.  He was a person already and I was his mother even for that short time.

I know eventually, we will all heal. But right now, it seems impossible.