Angel babies

I read something very interesting today.  This lady had a miscarriage and after that, she went on to have a son.  When her son was around three years old, she got pregnant with another baby.  Before she knew the sex of the baby, her son told her it was gonna he a girl and he knew her because they played together up there.  She had a girl.  When she was pregnant again, her son told her "mommy, this boy looks just like me and he has AB blood type like me.  Three of us used to play together before we came here.  I was supposed to come first, but he skipped his turn and went to your tummy.  So the old guy got mad at him and brought him back.  He waited his turn this time so he can come back now." She had a boy and low and behold, his blood type was AB like he told her.

I read another story that a boy was telling her mother that they all picked their mother when they were in the sky but they had to wait for a man to push them to be in their mother's belly and when someone skipped ahead in the line, he or she came right back to the line.

Another story was that this lady was laying down with her son right after she miscarried.  Her son said he could see a baby playing in the sky.  When she asked him if he looked happy, he said he did. He went on to talk about this baby in the sky for a while and one day, he told his mother the baby wasn't there any more and he wondered where he went.  She was pregnant.

I find it very interesting, because these stories came from kids who knew nothing about the concept of miscarriage.  The first boy didn't even know his mother had a miscarriage prior to him being born. I wan to believe there's connections to the other world.  We probably don't remember because we grew out of it.

I told Tim about these stories today.  We decided to believe that we are supposed to have more than two children and our baby skipped his turn so he had to go back. Hopefully, he learned his lesson and let his brother or sister go ahead of him next time.  Tim told me how his niece used to talk about her grandfather when she was smaller.  She was born after he had passed, so she would have not known him from this life.

I am still bleeding and this is getting old now....  I have my follow up visit next Friday.  When I asked Tim if I had to go for the appointment by myself, he said he would come with me.  I am so fortunate to have him.  He is so sweet.  I would have understood if he said he didn't want to come.  After all, there is nothing for us to see any more.  But instead, he said he would be there so he could ask questions I might forget otherwise.  Because he is like this, I want to have his babies.

New Chapter

It has been one week since my D&C, and I am still bleeding.  It's not a big deal.  I was told to expect period like bleeding for a week or two.  Somehow looking at the blood lets me know the whole ordeal is over and brings back some normality.  After all, getting period is something I am familiar with.  Speaking of, I think I am going to stop using tampons from now on.  Well, right now, nothing is allowed in my vagina so I have been using pads, but I got curious and I did a little research.  Apparently, tampons are not really made of just cotton unless you buy 100% cotton organic tampons.  They are made of all sorts of chemicals, but manufactures of tampons are not required to list the ingredients. Also, vagina is an "absorbing organ." That means my body absorbs whatever chemicals they put in these tampons just like my body absorbs pesticides on the produce or artificial hormones on the meat I eat.  If I am worried about pesticides on my produce, I probably should worry about what chemicals are in tampons as well. What if these chemicals have affected my ability to conceive and carry out a healthy pregnancy?  I think I will be using diva cup or moon cup from now on.

Through this miscarriage, something changed forever.  I don't  think getting a positive pregnancy test result will be enough to make me happy any more.  That is just the beginning....  It seems like I can never be sure.  So many things happen to people at 2nd, 3rd trimester. I mean the internet is flooded with these tragic stories.  Of course I wasn't aware that miscarriages and still births are so common until now.  I thought miscarriage happens to someone, but I sure the hell didn't think it would happen to me.  I was just optimistic.  Of course I wasn't drinking alcohols or going sky diving, but I wasn't overly sensitive about what I could and could not do. I was running a little bit even though my doctor and friends advised me against it.  I still had a cup of coffee and had my soft cheese and medium rare steak.  After all, my mother and aunts all went through healthy pregnancies, and they had coffee, even occasional sushi and we all turned  out fine was what I thought.  But now, I don't think I can ever be so optimistic any more.


Now, I am pretty sure my miscarriage was not because of something I did or didn't do.  God only knows when and if I will become pregnant again.  Regardless of when it happens, I need to be able to trust my body will do the job of nourishing and maintaining the proper environment for my baby to develop.
Yes, I was leading a pretty healthy life compared to the most other regular average American people, but it doesn't mean I had no room for improvement.  I stopped drinking coffee.  I had a headache for a day or two, but I am fine now.   I am thinking about going to see an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility.  I believe it will help me relax and work on creating a body so our baby will come back to me.

Closure

On 12/20/13, I had D&C to empty out my uterus.  My procedure was scheduled at 8 am, but we had to be there at 7 am.  Everyone at the surgery center was very nice.  I changed into a gown and was taken to my bed.  Tim was with me the whole time while nurses prepared me.  My RE came to speak to me and said my white blood levels were a little bit elevated and thought I was starting to get an infection.  I guess the dead baby would eventually start to rot just as any other protein does.  We opted to send the baby out for karyotype so the nurse took some extra blood.  By doing this procedure, we may be able to find out what went wrong with the pregnancy.  Normally, the insurance will not cover karyotype for the first miscarriage.  My doctor was sending it in with 629.81 diagnosis code (recurring miscarriage, but officially it is called  "habitual aborter" WTF. They need sensitivity training... ).  She must have counted my abortion from a long time ago, too, because when I asked, she told me she noted I had another loss prior.  I didn't remind her it was an elective abortion...   If the insurance didn't cover it, oh well.

The nurse let me kiss Tim good bye and took me to the surgery room.  She strapped me on the bed and said "need to put on a seat belt before the take off."  That made me laugh a little bit.  My RE came in and told me it was going to be ok as she was putting a mask and gloves on. The anesthesiologist was clipping stuff on my chest.  I started feeling overwhelmed and felt my tears welling up. I remember the anesthesiologist and my RE telling me to think about some nice place, like beach.  I took a big breath so the tears wouldn't be falling down on my cheek. I then thought I smelled some kind of medicine.....  I was gone.

I woke up on the bed where the nurse was prepping me earlier.  Tim was sitting next to me.  I had a tube with oxygen in my nose.  I had some cramp, but I was fine.  I was slowly coming back to the real world. My nurse noticed my blood pressure was up and asked me if I was in pain.  To be honest, I was in pain, but it was somewhat expected so I wasn't complaining.  She gave me fentanyl through IV and let me tell you, I was in heaven.  After staying in the bed for a while, I told Tim I had to go to the bathroom to empty out my bladder.  With the nurse and Tim's help, I walked to the bathroom and was able to pee.  I was also getting really hungry, which was a good sign.  The nurse removed my IV and let me change so we could go home.  

On our drive home, Tim told me I was crying when I was coming back from anesthesia.  I don't remember, but if he said I was crying, I must have been crying.   

I still feel sad, but having D&C gave us an instant relief.  It was really difficult week for both of us to be in limbo.   

I found this poem on the internet and thought it was very beautiful. When I get sad, I read it and it makes me feel a little bit better.  

What Makes A Mother 
I thought of you and closed my eyes 
And prayed to God today 
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" 
And I know I heard him say 
A Mother has a baby 
This we know is true 
But, God, can you be a mother 
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

  

Anger stage

Here comes one of the 5 stages of grieving, anger.  I have cleared the denial stage relatively quickly.  I don't think I had any room to be bargaining either.  The stages I have left are anger, depression, and acceptance.  I think I am going in between anger and depression.  I am far from acceptance.  Today, I am angry.  I am pissed  that it had to happened to us.  I am pissed at the God for giving us a few weeks of joy only to take it away.  What the hell did we do to deserve this.   It's not like I am in my twenties with endless egg supplies.  I am racing against the time with my potentially diminishing egg reserves.  

I don't feel like being all joyful and full of Christmas spirit with everyone else at work.  I don't feel like listening to the pregnant girl talk about her pregnancy while she parades around the hall way rubbing her growing belly.  Of course she had no idea I was pregnant, let alone I miscarried so I can't blame her, but it is really hard to watch her.  

I hope when my D&C is done on Friday, I feel somewhat better and be able to have some kind of closure. 

Grieving

I lay in bed pretty much all day yesterday.  Sadness comes and goes in waves.  One minute, I am fine, and another minute, I am not okay at all.  The crazy thing is that my body is producing enough progesterone, and this makes me still have the pregnancy symptoms.  I have no bleeding, no pain, no cramping.  I don't know how long it will be like this.  My fear is that natural miscarry will happen while I am at work before D&C on Friday.  I don't want it to happen when I am not with Tim.

Tim went to CVS yesterday and bought pads for me.  I have to say that is really sweet of him.  He is sad, too.  He said he didn't know it would be so hard.  We were already very attached to the baby.  Even for a very short period of time, this baby brought me so much happiness.  All the plans we made for him.  What he would have looked like.  The places we will take him.  We will never know it now...  He had heart beat.  He was a person already and I was his mother even for that short time.

I know eventually, we will all heal. But right now, it seems impossible.

Sad day

Today is a sad day.  We went in with high hope, but the ultra sound technician first said she couldn't see the heart beat and she was sorry she was trying really hard, but she needed to go get the doctor.  My doctor came in and watched the screen with her, but she confirmed she didn't see it either.  I was already crying on the bed, but for some reasons, I expected I would just lose it, but I didn't.  Tears kept on coming, but I was calm. My doctor stepped out to give us a few moment and she came back to discuss our next steps.  We were in shock, but I don't know, I wasn't crazy upset.  Maybe it hasn't hit me.  Maybe it is because I am still feeling like I am pregnant and I haven't had this dramatic miscarriage I normally picture yet.  Doctor said either I could wait for about a week to wait for natural miscarriage or go through D&C procedure to clean everything out.  While Tim and I were left in the room, we discussed what we wanted to do. At first we talked about the possibility of misdiagnosed miscarriage.  We said maybe we should go to another doctor to see if that is really accurate.   I am afraid if I am a cold person, but I told Tim that since it is dead, I want him out so we can move on.  I don't want do hold on to something and dwell on a lost cause.   I don't know, but I think it will be way too traumatic if I waited for me to miscarry.  Doctor and the nurse said we could talk about it over the weekend, but we already made our decision.  We want to cut our loss and move on.  I also don't want it to start forming scar tissue and cause more problem in the future.  I am very scared how calm I am.  I wouldn't say I am numb either.  I know exactly what I am saying and doing. I am more worried about how Tim is.  He said he would be okay as long as I would be okay.  I ended up emailing my boss what happened and I had to stay for pre op. She said I didn't need to worry about work and just take my time.  I texted my friends to let them know what happened.  I called my mother in Japan.  I felt bad that was the first news she had to hear when she woke up.  I am more worried how much she was feeling bad for me inside.  My mother is a very sweet and strong lady. She is always positive and laughs off any problems.  Well, she didn't laugh this away, but she said my uterus will be all cleaned up for the next one, and this baby chose to leave.  He knew something was wrong with him, so he left.  I know we talked about how she would come and stay with us to help with the baby and now I am sad that I don't get to have that with my mom in July like we had planned.

I am not as angry as I thought I would be either.  I am just calm.  Really, calm.

Power of PMA

I'd like to believe positive thoughts bring in positive things.  I believe that when we go in tomorrow for our ultra sound, our baby's heart will be beating faster and stronger.  I believe that tomorrow, RE doctor will tell me I no longer need to see her.

My breasts are really sore today, but other than that, I don't really feel pregnant.  I might be more sensitive to the smells than I used to, but how would I know?  I am the only one who knows what I'm smelling. It's TMI, but I do have this constant discharge.  Judging from my sore breasts and my constant flow of vaginal discharge, I believe our baby is growing.

I have been listening to "Pregnancy Meditation Hypnosis" by Anna Thompson before I go to bed every day since last Friday.  It's funny how I fall asleep (I think), but I always here her say "Wake up, wake up." when it's done.  I intend on listening to what she is saying in between, but I never get to hear it.  I am sure my subconscious is absorbing all the positiveness.

We also have told quite a few people about our pregnancy.  I have not blasted it on Facebook or anything like that, but we told our close circle of our friends.  I refuse to believe telling people during the first trimester brings a bad luck.  Actually, I would like them to know even if things go wrong.  That way, I won't have to pretend like nothing is wrong.

Tomorrow around this time, I know I will be laughing about my worries.  Tomorrow around this time, I will be worrying about some other things.  I know RE is wrong.  She is just a doom and gloom, negative Nelly.  I am providing our baby the safe environment and he is growing.

Waiting sucks

We cancelled our Costa Rica trip, but since we were off, we decided to drive to Key West.  We stopped off at Everglades to see wild gators, then we spent our first night in Key Largo.  On Tuesday afternoon, we took a snorkeling tour and headed to Key West.  The hotel was right in front of the beach and beautiful.  We had excellent food and enjoyed sun.  We also got a couple's massage. Everything was wonderful.

Today was our second ultra sound. Last Wednesday, we saw our little tiny baby who looked like a dot.  We were to see some heart beat today.  We thought nothing of it.  We even talked about how today was going to be the pre op. day if it wasn't for me getting pregnant.  Ultra sound tech put the probe in my vagina as my RE doctor walked in.  She made a comment about Tim's Ohio State hat and  told him she was also from Ohio. After they made a few small talk, she told us that what she was expecting to see was heart beat around 100 to 120 bmp at this point.  She said my baby's heart rate was only in 60s.  She said she was concerned and she wanted me to schedule another ultra sound in a week to see if it picks up its pace.  I asked her "ok. What if it wasn't any better next week?" She said "I hate to say it, but if it wasn't better, it will be more like that you end up miscarry." She said there was nothing she could tell me other than to wait and see. She also said there was nothing I could do differently to change anything.

I googled like crazy, but it was very difficult to find anything positive. I was talking about how I have no morning sickness or any pregnancy like symptoms and I thought I was fortunate. Maybe it was that I wasn't feeling it, because I won't be pregnant for much long.

I am sad and I know I shouldn't talk as if it is over, but I don't want to get attached to this baby any more than I already have. I don't know if I should be talking to the baby to fight and tough it up.  I am pissed off.  I was told not to work out so now I am getting a little fat. I had to cancel Costa Rica trip.  If I had to schedule the surgery at this point, it will be next year and I will have to work toward my high deductible all over again. Sure, I will gladly sacrifice all these things for a healthy pregnancy,but not for a half ass failed pregnancy.  God, are you fucking kidding me?  Please please let it be that our little bean is just taking his time to grow and his heart is just brand new and it will pick up next week.

Scared

I am 5 weeks 3 days pregnant today.  I have been constipated and finally, this morning, I felt like my bowel movement was normal like before.  Then I noticed a little blood.  I wiped again to see if it was blood coming from my vagina.  It sure was.  I called the doctor, but of course it's Sunday so I have to wait for her to call me back.  I am so worried.  I have no cramping or pain and I no longer see blood unless I stick a piece of tissue up in my vagina.   I hope nothing will happen to the baby.  We have our first ultra sound scheduled this coming Wednesday.  Please please don't take this baby away from us.

Plan B for Thanksgiving

Last Friday, my HCG was 254 and on Monday, it was 973.  According to the nurse, the number is excellent.  He is (I have been assuming it will be a boy) about the size of a poppy seed right now.

I was told however that I have to be really closely monitored.  Due to my one blocked fallopian tube, I have a high risk of having an ectopic pregnancy.  I am supposed to watch out for any severe pain in case that is the case.  Fortunately, nothing has been hurting me so far.

For this reason, our trip to Costa Rica over the Thanksgiving had to be canceled.  I guess if anything happened while I am there, I will be totally screwed.  It is too early to see anything so we won't know weather the baby is in the uterus properly until another few weeks passes.

I cannot complain and we are fine.  We've waited for a very long time for this.  We don't want to take any chances.

After dinner last night, Tim called American Airline to cancel our flight.  Here's what the customer lady told him.  "Are you telling me you are canceling your trip just because she is pregnant?  You know, we allow pregnant women to fly up to 32 weeks.  I was just pregnant and I was fine."  I overheard Tim telling her "You don't understand, she is at very high risk and doctor had advised us she should not be flying at this time."    I jumped over and made "WTF is she giving you are hard time for??" look.

In the end, we were able to cancel our flight.  We had to pay $200 each to cancel $400 a person ticket, so that cost us a ticket. I really think the fees should have been waived given the circumstances.  I am going to write a letter to complain about the woman with my doctor's note advising me not to fly.  Who is she?  Is she a doctor?  Does she know our situation?   American Airline should speak to its employees about offering advice that should only be coming from a qualified doctor.  Unless of course the company rather prefer to be sued.  

Anyway, now I'd better come up with plan B.  I've been passing by all the turkey sales at grocery stores.  I'd better go get one.

Never say never

It has been four days since last Thursday.  I was supposed to get my period.  I scheduled my surgery the day before and was still waiting to hear from the hospital find out the patient responsibility.  I was googling about IVF overseas while I was at work.  I was going to bathroom every so often to see if my period had shown up.  I left work around 6 pm, called my mother like I always do on my way home from work while I was driving.  I was telling her about what I found out about the IVF clinic in Japan and we talked about how far the clinic was in relation to where my mother lives.  While I was still on the phone with her, I stopped at Dollar Tree to buy whole bunch of dollar pregnancy tests. I wanted them so I could just pee on them for shits and giggles.  When I got home, I let her go and went to the bathroom.

First, I checked to see if my period showed up.  No, not yet. Then I peed in a new red solo cup.  Using a little dropper provided, I dropped a couple of drops of my urine on the test strip.  I said to myself, "There, feel better.  Nothing.  It's just my pee moving upward."  I put my pants back on, flushed down my pee, washed the cup, and tried to gather the wrapper and the box to clean up.  I took  one more look at the test just before I grabbed it and I was like "?????  What the f***????"  There was a very very faint second line on the test!!  I still thought that was evaporation line or defective cheap test, but I couldn't help myself.  I was getting excited.  "Holy S****, Holy S****. Can this really be true???"   I wanted to rip open another test and try it, but I was afraid I would be disappointed so I didn't.  Tim was home but he was on the phone conducting an important meeting, so when I went in the room, he told me to leave.

I took a picture of the test and texted my friend for her opinion.  She responded she saw a very faint one, and told me not to get too excited.  We went back and forth and decided it was better to test with more expensive test in the morning.

I called back my mother and told her what was happening.  Now, our conversation 20 minutes ago was about going back to Japan for IVF.  She was very skeptic.  She must have thought her child had lost her damn mind.

Tim finally came out of the meeting and he was asking me what was so important.  I showed him the test and he was like "Are you really sure??"  I gave him a solo cup and asked him to pee.  I said "I wanna know if these tests are defective.  If it shows you are pregnant, they are defective.  Now pee.  Here. All I need is a few drops. Come on, hurry up."  Off he went and brought me back a cup full of his urine.  "I told you just a few drops, I didn't need a cup full, ugh disgusting." .......I said  "Congratulations, Tim, you are not pregnant."  We concluded these cheap tests must have been fine.

We still didn't want to be too happy.  I think we were too used to being disappointed and couldn't trust what was really happening.  We just went out for a dinner and went to bed early.

Friday morning, I woke up around 4:30 am and peed on more expensive pregnancy test.  I could see the positive second line appearing as I was peeing.  Yes, it was absolutely positive, no doubt about it.

I called my doctor's office and I was told to come in for the blood test.  Friday afternoon, the test came back.  She said the number read 254 and it was excellent number and I was indeed pregnant.  The nurse told me that she would call and cancel my surgery.  She told me to come in Monday again for the blood test again.

As I write this, I still can't believe it.  I still don't feel pregnant at all.  I thought nothing was happening this month and nothing was going to happen until the surgery.  It is crazy, but it really is happening.

Contradiction

Scheduling lady from RE office called me this afternoon to schedule my surgery.  Tim and I decided to go through both hysteroscopy and laparoscopy.  Doctor told me that laparoscopy would not be needed if I was just going to do IVF, but I am not ready to consider that yet.   My surgery is scheduled on 12/10.  I will be going to do my pre-ops on 12/6, the day after we come back from Costa Rica.  I was told to use contraceptions and try not to become pregnant until then.  I understand where she is coming from, but it's ironic.  I am in this predicament because of my inability to become pregnant.

As of today, my period still hasn't come.  It should arrive tomorrow.  I just know it.  If for some crazy miracle it didn't come and I turned out to be pregnant, screw surgery.  I'd worry about that damn polyp and tube later.  My CPA exam is creeping up.  I now have less than two weeks to study.  I haven't been able to really concentrate on my studying at all.  I'll just take it and see what happens. If I pass, it better not be taken as my karmic retribution.

I went ahead and called IVF clinic in Osaka, Japan, my home town.  The price sheet was for uninsured, but still was 1/3 of the price here.  The lady said that if I could get all my testing done in the US, I needed to be there for my first visit and consultation with my test results, then come back right around my ovulation time.  I thanked her and said I'd call her back when I need to cross that bridge.  I wanted to go home to see my mom and the rest of my family anyway.  I think my work will be understandable.  After all, isn't that FMLA? Considering I will be out for three months after giving birth, if I took off for a few months, it can not be that big of a deal.   Tim can work from anywhere.   Besides, he lived in Japan for 15 years, so he will probably feel right at home.  He is more Japanese than me anyway.  Given the circumstances, I think my work will let me work remotely for some portion.

I am getting excited about our possible extra vacation / IVF.  I did my research today and it is cheaper ANYWHERE else outside of the US.  If Japan is not feasible, there's Canada, Mexico, Singapore, Thailand, India... the possibility is endless.

Egg inventory level and batch size

We went to see our RE this morning to go over all our test results and her recommendations.

Tim - Super.  Although he was told to really stop smoking cigarettes (no social smoking) to improve the quality of his boys.

Me...  All 13 of my genetic testings came back negative.  No disease whatsoever.   Every other numbers were in normal range, except my Antral Follicle Count.  It was 5.  Adhesion in my one Fallopian tube.  Polyp in my uterus.  So I am wondering, my AMH test showed normal, and that means I have good enough amount of egg inventory.  But low antral follicle count means that any given month, I only have a small batch of eggs that are put out to become a mature egg.  Don't I only need one egg?  Does it really matter how many are put out every month?  So what my body is a bit stingy.

First mandatory procedure I have to go through is Hysteroscopy to remove the polyp. She said at the same time, she could to Laparoscopy to try to open my tube.

That being said, my RE told us her concern is my low Antral Follicle Count of 5.  She said that makes her lean toward more "aggressive method." By aggressive, she meant IVF.  She said if IVF was possibility, I won't need my tube and I won't be needing to do Laparoscopy.  All I could think was there's no way I could afford it.  Neither of our insurance covers such a thing.

I am glad Tim came with me, because he was asking her all kinds of questions while I really couldn't.  He asked her to repeat my Antral Follicle Count in case the ultra sound technician made a mistake.  He asked her how could everything else be in normal range and this one thing is way off from the normal range.  Tim is Business Analyst and this was where his personality traits really came in handy.

We decided that we'd schedule both Lparoscopy and Hysteroscopy and see what happens.  I've already matched my deductible for the year, so it is essential I schedule this before the year ends.  Since we are planning on going to Costa Rica for a week in Thanksgiving, the surgery will have to be after that.

On the way home,  I said to Tim "Hey, do you think this is just the beginning of a crazy long road?  You were freaking out when I first said I wanted to have a baby.  You were saying you weren't ready.  Did you think it will be this hard?  Are you ready now?"

3 days weekend

I am glad I am off tomorrow for Veteran's day.  That's one of the benefits of working for a government... :)
My period must be coming in a few days, my appetite has increased and I have been eating like a hog.
I cooked up some liver for our dinner.  Tim likes it, too.  Then again, there's not many things Tim wouldn't eat.  I never really hated liver. My mother fed me and my brother liver before anybody else had a chance to tell us we were supposed to hate liver.  Not that I particularly liked it, but I didn't really have any opinions about it.  To me, it was just another meat.  Lately though, I really appreciate the sweetness of the liver.  The thing is, you cannot take liver, cook it like you'd cook a piece of steak and expect it to be any good.  You need to put the right sauce and spices.  It's so cheap plus is packed with so much nutrition.  I will be bleeding out in a few days so I might as well prepare myself by eating iron and vitamin B12 packed deliciousness.

I ate, studied a little, took a nap, ate, studied a little, took a nap, and repeated the process all day.  Classic PMS symptoms.  Ughhh.    It's hot here today, too.  Sleepy, feeling hot, sore boobs...  I wish all these things were the early pregnancy signs, but no such luck.

I talked to my best friend in Japan from high school last night.  She just had a baby and he is 4 months old.  Unlike some other people I know, she is very appreciative about the whole things.  It's not that she struggled to get pregnant, but she just doesn't go around and complain about everything like others.  I think what gets on my nerves about certain mothers are their ungratefulness.   Even after knowing our situations, she doesn't try to offer me some advice or act like a know it all.  She certainly does not tell me "to relax."  "Just relax, and it will happen. Stop counting days and checking for your ovulation. You can't get pregnant because you are trying so hard and stressing yourself out"  This is a sure way to piss me off.  How can people be so f**ing ignorant.  Infertility is a disease.  Just like a person with a heart condition or cancer.  I dare them to go up to a cancer patient and say "Just relax and you'll be cured.  You know why you got cancer, because you are always stressed out."   I said this to ones who told me to relax.  Most people understand if I put it like that, but it's sad to say some laughs and says I am being oversensitive and my problem is not as serious like cancer.   F**** them.

I just filled out adoption form for two dachshunds who are given up because the owner is having a human baby.  I don't know the circumstances so I cannot judge, but I would take them both.  I hope I get them as an addition to our family.  Tim is wondering I could be pregnant.  Speaking of, I did try and go get pet rabbit when I was pregnant long time ago...  If this is happening to me again this time, I will be so happy.  Although I doubt it.  I just love dachshund and I am in a position to care for them.

Not Again

20 days since my period.  I knew this month was going to be a wash.  Yes, one of my tubes was not clear, and there was a polyp.  That probably explained why we haven't been successful so until my RE goes over all of our test results and talks to us about our new game plan, I was not going to worry about it.  She would probably suggest me removing the polyp.  That should be scheduled sometimes during my next cycle.  Yes, so don't worry about it and forget about this TTC bullshit and relax for a change.  Study for CPA exam, work out like crazy, have some wine.  Just RELAX, and have sex just to enjoy, not as a chore.  Ahahahahahhahaha!!!!  Who was I kidding?   Once you go TTC, you don't come back!!!  I've been thinking like "maybe I am pregnant this month because I wasn't expecting," or "maybe that HSG actually cleared up my tube and that might have done the trick."  "What if my RE said she would schedule to have polyp remove and I was pregnant.Would that hurt the baby? "

The pregnant girl at work is looking more and more pregnant by day.  Yesterday, we had our boss's surprise lunch party, and the pregnant girl was saying she could feel her baby kicking.  Everyone else was chiming in to talk about their pregnancy stories.  Wonderful, I had nothing to offer to the story.  Guess what.  She is fat.  She shouldn't be showing that much when she is not due until March.   Wow, I will not be fat like her, or all of these mothers at this table.   I work out and am in great shape.  I will be working out, I will not let nausea stop me from going to the gym.  Wait until I am pregnant and have a baby, I will not be struggling to lose baby weight like all these people at this table are struggling.  I will not have big saggy belly and saggy ass and blame it on my pregnancy.  I will be one of these people you just wonder how I just had a baby.  Watch me.  I smiled and listened and told above things to make myself feel better, but it didn't really help at all.  Instead, it disgusted me that I was capable of thinking these mean things in my head.  The truth is I'd rather be fat and uncomfortable and puking my guts out if that means I am pregnant.

My boobs are getting sore and Tim is getting on my nerves.  Oh yes, the signs of PMS.  Get ready.  Sorry, Tim.... I will be taking my frustrations out on you.  :(   It's funny how every PMS symptoms are interpreted as possible early pregnancy signs when you are TTC.....

Baby Boom

Everywhere is baby boom.  So this morning, I get a text from my old coworker who is expecting.  She wanted my address so the baby shower invitation can get sent out.  Great.  I wonder if I can go through with it.  Another baby shower.... I am sure I will be asked when I will be getting pregnant.  Yeah, I want to know that, too.  Call me party pooper, but I will probably buy a gift and let someone take it to her.

This afternoon was my dentist appointment, which I almost forgot all about.  When I saw the reminder popping up on my calendar, I had to wonder if I made that up.  Seriously, time has passed by so fast, I couldn't believe it.  When my hygienist  asked me if I were taking any medications, vitamins, or supplements, I said no.   I stopped writing down "prenatal vitamin" on the form, because quite frankly, it has become embarrassing.  Yeah yeah, taking all these prenatal vitamins month after month and still nothing to show for.  I'm sure she doesn't even remember I wrote "prenatal" in the past, but I remember.  She told me she might not see me for my next appointment.  When I asked her if she was looking for another job, she told me she was going on a maternity leave in a few months.  She didn't even look all that pregnant.  Ah how I envy her. There are pictures of her daughter on the wall.  She is having a boy.  One of each.  How nice.  At this point, I don't even care if I get a boy or girl.  I just want a baby.  I've always wanted a boy who looks like Tim.  Now, I don't care.  God, please just give me one already.  The rate the God is delivering babies left and right to all these people, it shouldn't be so damn difficult...

Dear God,
I am trying to follow up in regards to my previous baby request.  I understand you are busy, but if you could be so kind and take a moment and take a look at our request, we would really appreciate it.   If you need anything from us to help expedite the process, that would just be wonderful.

Fall Back

Fall back one hour is nice for the first few days, I guess.  I wish they leave the time alone and do away with the daylight saving stuff.  It gets dark early and makes me depressed.

I can't believe it's Holiday season once again.  Last year around this time, my body did some crazy tricks on me and I didn't have my period for almost two months.  I kept on peeing on the damn pregnancy tests, googling about people who had negative tests but ended up pregnant.  No such luck.  My OB/GYN told me at that time suggested taking birth control pills to induce period, but I couldn't let go of the possibility  of still being pregnant.  She said  to wait for either I get period or become pregnant until February.  I felt waiting until February was unreasonably long and didn't go back to her after.  I never thought I'd be still waiting to get pregnant then.

Happy Halloween!!

Trick or Treat" time!!  Our street is really dark and not many people participate in candy giving.  Still, we get some cute customers so we got ready with Sour patch kids and Skittles.  Whatever leftover, I will eat.

I saw this disturbing post on FB.  A friend of my friend said "We don't buy candies.  We take our kids for trick or treat and when we come back, we pick out whatever we don't want and give these out to the stragglers."  Really???  Is she serious.  What a cheapo.   I guess in this world, there are people who just take.  I shouldn't judge, but hell yes I did.  I've never met her since she is just a friend of my friend on the FB, and it probably makes sense since she is out trick or treating with her kids and no one will be home to hand out candies, but I probably wouldn't want to be friend with someone who openly says stuff like that. 

A little boy gave me a hug when I gave him candies.  Boy was he cute.  I asked for a permission from his mom and took his picture.   

So, my RE's office called me this morning.  I already know I am a wreck down there with clogged up tube and a polyp(s).  So what now.  What else is wrong with me...  Now I am in need of taking irons supplement. I don't really like to eat red meat that often.  I just don't like how heavy I feel after.  I guess I will be eating steak more often and I will be cooking liver and onion on weekly basis.  But that explains why I am always tired.  During my TWW, I always think "Oh boy, I am so tired.  Maybe I am pregnant..."  That feeling was due to my low iron level.  OK...  Well, it looks like this cycle is going to be a wash.  RE won't discuss our game plan until Tim's semen analysis is done once again and I will get my period in a few weeks.  Tim has to drop off his boys at RE's office in the morning.  He REFUSES to do it at their office.  He'd rather drive to the lab with the cup in between his legs while the clock is ticking.  When he had to do it last time, he got lost on his way and there was a line at the lab.  Still, he'd rather light some candles and make love to a cup at home.  We have a sausage dog at home who always gives us his judging eyes when we have sex.  I am sure Tim will get the disapproving stares from him tomorrow.   

   

Polyp or Polyps

SIS procedure was not bad at all.  Even if it was bad, I had no choice but to go back work.  I have too much stuff to do today.  My doctor was on vacation, so the other doctor had to perform the procedure.  So far, I have met three out of four doctors at this place.  I guess they all seem to be nice and I like them.

My guard was definitely up.  When the nurse told me "it's gonna be OK.  This one will not hurt."  I was like "Ha! That's what I was told last time, and it was a lie."  She reassured me it was going to be fine.  Apparently, I didn't believe her, because when the doctor came and tried to put the speculum, I was so tense, I was pushing the speculum out.  He was trying to make some small talk, but I really could not relax.
When he inserted the catheter and took the speculum out, I was finally able to relax.  Then he told me that he saw a polyp in my uterus.  WHAT????   He said my doctor would talk to me what to do about it. Well, I guess if he was telling me so nonchalantly, it must not be that big deal.  It looks like we have to finish all of the tests before we can have a sit down and discuss our options with the doctor.  Tim and I were planning on trying really hard this week and postpone his sperm sample drop off day until next week, but now screw that plan.   Forget this month, it ain't happening.  We must lose a battle to win the war. We should abstain for a few days so he can bring them his guys in a few days.  I want to know the diagnosis ASAP.

According to my research, polyps could act like a natural IUD and prevent sperm/egg to pass through the Fallopian tubes or prevent fertilized egg from implanting.  Maybe this could be my answer.  It could be just the beginning, but as of right now, I want to be optimistic.

SIS tomorrow

My first SIS is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  Again, the brochure says "might experience some discomfort and mild cramping."  Really....  certainly "mild" is understatement, I am pretty sure of it.

It was a nice FL fall day.  Perfect weather.  I opened all of my windows.  I can smell the air.  It's so nice and I love FL this time of the year.

I told my boss what I was going through on last Friday.  I didn't want her to wonder what was going on since I have been taking off way too many sick time these days.  I have plenty of accrued sick time, but being year end audit prep going on, I felt bad for taking off.  When I told her "we are trying to have babies and we haven't been able to... and I just found out one of my tubes are blocked..."  She said "Oh my God, Oh my God, that's what happened to me.  The same exact thing..."   Then she told me her story.  She said her and her husband went through the same thing almost 30 years ago.  She told me that back then, that was it and they were told that they would never be able to have a baby.  Then a few months later, she was pregnant.  Her doctor said that the only explanation was maybe HSG cleared up what was clogged.   Their son just got married about a year ago.  She gave me a hug and told me not to give up.

Maybe the same thing will happen to me.

First HSG and my past

  10/24 was my first HSG.  I didn't even ask Tim to come with me, because it sounded like a no big deal routine procedure.  Besides, I took out my frustration on him the night before.

According to the brochure for HSG procedure, "there could be mild cramping."  Mild cramping my ass... Yeah right.  Little did I know, "mild discomfort" was for normal people. You don't get "mild cramping" when your tube is clogged up.

Room was too cold and that made me uncomfortable.  When the doctor injected the dye, it was not so bad.  Then she  asked me, "Have you been pregnant before?"  as she was looking at the screen.  I said "yes, over 10 years ago... I had an abortion."  She told me one side of the tube was not clear.  Then it became really painful.  I tried to suck it up, but tears just kept on coming.  A part of it was the physical pain from the procedure, but the other part was from the guilt.  It's a karma.  I made a choice almost 15 years ago. I was young and I did what I thought was right at that time.  Now that choice I made could be the reason why I haven't been able to become pregnant.  The pain kept on coming.  " I am sorry, Sweetie, I don't want to hurt you, but I really want to make sure... "  I thought about when I had the abortion.  The pain I was having was so similar.

I drove home crying and screaming.  I texted Tim and told him what I found out.  I am being punished for what I did.