Sad day

Today is a sad day.  We went in with high hope, but the ultra sound technician first said she couldn't see the heart beat and she was sorry she was trying really hard, but she needed to go get the doctor.  My doctor came in and watched the screen with her, but she confirmed she didn't see it either.  I was already crying on the bed, but for some reasons, I expected I would just lose it, but I didn't.  Tears kept on coming, but I was calm. My doctor stepped out to give us a few moment and she came back to discuss our next steps.  We were in shock, but I don't know, I wasn't crazy upset.  Maybe it hasn't hit me.  Maybe it is because I am still feeling like I am pregnant and I haven't had this dramatic miscarriage I normally picture yet.  Doctor said either I could wait for about a week to wait for natural miscarriage or go through D&C procedure to clean everything out.  While Tim and I were left in the room, we discussed what we wanted to do. At first we talked about the possibility of misdiagnosed miscarriage.  We said maybe we should go to another doctor to see if that is really accurate.   I am afraid if I am a cold person, but I told Tim that since it is dead, I want him out so we can move on.  I don't want do hold on to something and dwell on a lost cause.   I don't know, but I think it will be way too traumatic if I waited for me to miscarry.  Doctor and the nurse said we could talk about it over the weekend, but we already made our decision.  We want to cut our loss and move on.  I also don't want it to start forming scar tissue and cause more problem in the future.  I am very scared how calm I am.  I wouldn't say I am numb either.  I know exactly what I am saying and doing. I am more worried about how Tim is.  He said he would be okay as long as I would be okay.  I ended up emailing my boss what happened and I had to stay for pre op. She said I didn't need to worry about work and just take my time.  I texted my friends to let them know what happened.  I called my mother in Japan.  I felt bad that was the first news she had to hear when she woke up.  I am more worried how much she was feeling bad for me inside.  My mother is a very sweet and strong lady. She is always positive and laughs off any problems.  Well, she didn't laugh this away, but she said my uterus will be all cleaned up for the next one, and this baby chose to leave.  He knew something was wrong with him, so he left.  I know we talked about how she would come and stay with us to help with the baby and now I am sad that I don't get to have that with my mom in July like we had planned.

I am not as angry as I thought I would be either.  I am just calm.  Really, calm.