Closure

On 12/20/13, I had D&C to empty out my uterus.  My procedure was scheduled at 8 am, but we had to be there at 7 am.  Everyone at the surgery center was very nice.  I changed into a gown and was taken to my bed.  Tim was with me the whole time while nurses prepared me.  My RE came to speak to me and said my white blood levels were a little bit elevated and thought I was starting to get an infection.  I guess the dead baby would eventually start to rot just as any other protein does.  We opted to send the baby out for karyotype so the nurse took some extra blood.  By doing this procedure, we may be able to find out what went wrong with the pregnancy.  Normally, the insurance will not cover karyotype for the first miscarriage.  My doctor was sending it in with 629.81 diagnosis code (recurring miscarriage, but officially it is called  "habitual aborter" WTF. They need sensitivity training... ).  She must have counted my abortion from a long time ago, too, because when I asked, she told me she noted I had another loss prior.  I didn't remind her it was an elective abortion...   If the insurance didn't cover it, oh well.

The nurse let me kiss Tim good bye and took me to the surgery room.  She strapped me on the bed and said "need to put on a seat belt before the take off."  That made me laugh a little bit.  My RE came in and told me it was going to be ok as she was putting a mask and gloves on. The anesthesiologist was clipping stuff on my chest.  I started feeling overwhelmed and felt my tears welling up. I remember the anesthesiologist and my RE telling me to think about some nice place, like beach.  I took a big breath so the tears wouldn't be falling down on my cheek. I then thought I smelled some kind of medicine.....  I was gone.

I woke up on the bed where the nurse was prepping me earlier.  Tim was sitting next to me.  I had a tube with oxygen in my nose.  I had some cramp, but I was fine.  I was slowly coming back to the real world. My nurse noticed my blood pressure was up and asked me if I was in pain.  To be honest, I was in pain, but it was somewhat expected so I wasn't complaining.  She gave me fentanyl through IV and let me tell you, I was in heaven.  After staying in the bed for a while, I told Tim I had to go to the bathroom to empty out my bladder.  With the nurse and Tim's help, I walked to the bathroom and was able to pee.  I was also getting really hungry, which was a good sign.  The nurse removed my IV and let me change so we could go home.  

On our drive home, Tim told me I was crying when I was coming back from anesthesia.  I don't remember, but if he said I was crying, I must have been crying.   

I still feel sad, but having D&C gave us an instant relief.  It was really difficult week for both of us to be in limbo.   

I found this poem on the internet and thought it was very beautiful. When I get sad, I read it and it makes me feel a little bit better.  

What Makes A Mother 
I thought of you and closed my eyes 
And prayed to God today 
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" 
And I know I heard him say 
A Mother has a baby 
This we know is true 
But, God, can you be a mother 
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown